Childish Faith?

Want an honest confession? For me, my faith journey has had this ongoing tension between trusting and doubting.

On one hand, I have this calm assurance that the story of God, as revealed in Scripture, makes complete sense. It is an amazing narrative which gives meaning and purpose to those of us who are alive on this little ball of dust flying through an enormous universe. Like Homing Pigeons, there is an instinct within me that continuously pushes me toward Jesus, his teachings and the gospel message.

But on the opposite end of the tension meter is doubt. These doubts aren't directly about belief in Jesus, God, and the truths of the Bible. As I said, I have a calm assurance in these matters of faith. But my doubts arise when I look at Scripture, and see the power of God unleashed in forms of miracles, signs, and wonders. All throughout the pages of Scripture, God revels himself to mankind in many supernatural ways. The lack of God's intervention into our world in my day and age in a similar manner promotes doubt. I want some empirical evidence too!

I can't help but think of Hebrews 11. There we find a tribute to the faith of great men of the Bible. Hebrews 11 contains summaries of the stories I remember so fondly as a child. Sitting in the dingy, damp basement Sunday School classroom, I watched my teacher place the flannelgraph images of Noah, Abraham, Moses, Samson, and Jesus on the board! These figures rivaled any superhero cartoon from Saturday morning! These men possessed super-human strength, power staffs, the ability to walk on water and multiply a small lunch to feed massive amounts of people. I distinctly remember trying to imitate Jesus and walk on the surface of the swimming pool. One day I took my sandwich apart and attempted to divide it into pieces, fully anticipating that my piece of bread would be more than adequate to make thousands of bite size pieces. I believed! My faith was strong! As a young boy, I was confused. When this miracle didn't occur, I concluded that I just didn't have enough faith.

There was once when I feared my mom had cancer. She had been to the doctor, which was very rare for her. Over the course of the next several days, she and my father would have many quiet conversations. I caught just enough of one conversation and distinctly remember hearing the word 'tumor" used. I was frightened! Was my mom going to die? I remember praying so hard, to the point of tears, that God would spare my mom! I recalled Jesus' words to his disciples, after they were unable to cast a demon out of a boy and heal him of his seizures. The disciples ask Jesus, "Why couldn't we drive the demon out?" Jesus told them, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." I wanted more faith. I believed. My mom's tumor turned out not to be cancer.

There have been other situations where prayers like this were answered, even great and amazing answers, yet none rise to the level of an Apostle-like miracle, sign, or wonder. I've even had a few close friends tell me about supernatural healings and exorcisms they have witnessed, but even now I remain skeptical. I was taught growing up that those signs and wonders were to validate Christ and the early church, but those things ended upon completion of the Bible. It's a theological argument, backed by a few proof text found here and there. I was never convinced by those arguments.

As I grew older, I remember reading Hebrews 11 for myself. I come upon another group of people who didn't quite make the cut as flannelgraph figures for Sunday School hour. As a 6 year old child, maybe I should have seen and heard about the great people of the faith who were imprisoned, murdered in cold blood, sawn in two, homeless, destitute, and wandering in deserts and caves because of their faith. I ask myself, "Why didn't God step in and revel Himself to them?" Yet, they had faith! Even without the evidence. They rested upon God's divine assurance!

C.S. Lewis said that faith is merely the virtue by which we hold to our reasoned ideas, despite moods to the contrary. That's where I find myself. There is no doubt that I'm going to cling to Jesus, He is my only hope and he has proven it again and again through the peace and satisfaction I feel inside me. But there is still a piece of the 9 year old boy inside me who still anticipates that his sandwich can feed the masses. Is it childish faith or faith like a child?